June Road Trip: Fast Ride on Desolation Boulevard

Location: Southern Continent, Route 10

Well, the Lindens fixed something. They really did. I'd heard that sim-crossings have vastly improved. Time for a road trip to test it?

Being both busy and bored, an odd combination, I sent occasional reporter Pappy Enoch in "The Rip Snorter," his "weathered" F-150 pickup truck. Pappy was drunk at the time, so he could not write very much but he did send in some "o' them-there picture post cards from the fake highway." Pappy wrote some captions on the back in orange crayon. Here they am...I mean, are.

It were a dark an' stormy..hell, it were sundown when I done hit the road in ol' Rip Snorter

.

Sho' nuff am a heap o' abandoned land on the mainland. Maybe that am why things am so fast!

I done meant to do that. Hoo whee! I are a reg'lar Evil Kornevil! I landed in a house too.

Well, here am sum'fin you ain't a-gonna see every day: Furry Germnasium and some right pumped-up fur.

Go figure the only place that had real fake folks (them furs am bots) is a place selling fake-sex toys. I cammed in because I am shy and all that. There were a Gorean feller too but he would not answer my IMs about whether or not he done got lucky. The gal on the left gots pants that am like a belt. Hoo whee I needs to log in more often.

I FLEW down that fake road. Sim-crossings am first rate now! Try that in yo' fancy pants GTO, Mr. Onnagodadvida!

Verdict: And so I will, in July! Overall, it seems that Pappy encountered much improved travel, but the content on display shows what is happening to Second Life: crappy user-generated mainland builds, lots of vacant land, and the most dots on the map at a sex-themed store in a non-adult sim.

 I hope Linden Lab, if only for the sake of its employees and shrinking cadre of other types of users, can make money this way.

Update, July 1: Tateru Nino reports that Linden Lab has a three-pronged offensive underway to reduce SL's lag-tastic experience. Glad to see they are running scared after all our hoopla about Cloud Party. That's how it looks, even though their projects must have been in the works for months.

GUEST POST: In Spite o' Cheapskate Linden Rascals, Why I Still Loves Me Some SL

Lokashum: Drunk

Now ol' Hamhock Au done commenced to a-fussin' and a-hollerin' (which am fun) about how them Linden Lab go-rillas am horrible cheapos who won't pay you nuffin' for writing them a blob. It am a reg'lar catty-wumpus of a fight over why them San-Fran rich tech-weenies won't pay us poor fat nekkid men in trailers and basements nuffin' to write down a blob for them.

Well sir, Iggy am cheap and a rascal, too, but he do let me and my rotten horrible family squat on his land in the fake world o' Second Life. Keeps us from killin' folks on the highway, though we do still beat 'em up and take their fake money.

So why in the Sam Hill do any real natural-born human-being person stay in this fake world, after them Linden go-rillas am always screwing stuff up?

Now I will tell you, I still enjoys the hell out o' Second Life. It am the most fun you kin have as a hillbilly hellion.

Cornsider my fake life. I done me time in jail...with my horrible rotten sister who beat me senseless wif a 2x4 wif nails in it.

And that were when she were happy wif me. We done won in fake court, of course. I gots me the best fake lawyer in Second Life and his legal assistant, a two-head prim baby I done rescued from a prim-baby graveyard.

Them Lindens am awful...they even dumped a love-child of ol' King Philip in that graveyard and more. So I opened me a prim-baby adoption agency.

But despite that-there horror, I ain't never gived up on Second Life.

I done tried to open me a business as a breedable animal when that were big. I did not have me much luck, even when I lowered down that-there price.

 

My last antic were to be a hot-hot-hottie male model for the Alphaville Herald. It were last year, for Valentine's Day. My male model career ain't gone nowhere yet, but I ain't done foolin' folks or writin' blobs, neither. So don't let them Linden cheapskates ruin your fake life.

Git out there and have you some fun. Tell 'em Pappy done sent you (and run fast).

Thank you and mighty obliged, Iggy. I'll put out the fire on your fake land now.

I works mostly as a male model now, and am one

Iggy & Pappy Swap Recipes

Location: Watching the Meat Thermometer

Well, it's that time again...for country ham. The real thing, Yankees: not some water-and-smoke-juice-injected mild ham but a smoked-in-the-smokehouse-by-rugged-and-somewhat-tipsy-Virginians ham.

Rule one for all-day cooking, such as that required for perfect ham: keep the drinks handy.

At the recent VWER holiday party, both Iggy and his ol' pal Pappy Enoch showed up to cut the rug and do some ice skating.  Pappy tried to give out Iggy's recipe for a perfect Martini, but Iggy needs to restate it here for those who could not attend. If you visit Richmond, you'll have to go to Thai Diner Too with us, so Yoko and her husband Jack can mix you one of Richmond's finest drinks (and best-kept secrets). Iggy's recipe is a pale shadow of theirs.

Ignatius' Almost-As-Good-As Yoko and Jack's Martini

• It's best to begin with liquor, shaker, and glasses that have been in the freezer or at least in the refrigerator. Cracked ice is better so, after shaking, one gets little icebergs in the mix...yum.
• Do not cheap out on the olives. They lose their savor fast, so look for gourmet ones with pimentos...do not get yuppie with Kalamatas, please. Spanish olives such as those from Serapis have been Jack's secret for a while.The company has an olive museum: 'nuff said.
• Per drunk: 2 oz top-shelf Gin (Tanqueray and Hendricks are Iggy's faves). Heretics may substitute top-shelf vodka (and if so, use more pearl onion than olive on the skewers. Martinis are not meant to be sweet).
• I rarely make a "dirty" Martini, but if so, I tip in some of the olive brine in the next step. Do not add more than a splash.
• Add liquor to shaker, where about 8 cubes of ice made from filtered water lie in ambush.
• Allow Gin and ice to become acquainted for 30 seconds or so, while gently agitating the open shaker.
• For very dry Martini, pour in a splash (perhaps a teaspoon) of dry Vermouth. My version of "dry" is about a tablespoon, but some tipplers add even more. I prefer merely tipping the Vermouth bottle in homage to the Gin and ice.
• Install the shaker top and check for leaks. They can be a heartbreak. Then shake it like it's a '72 Chevy Vega driven at 70 mph on a washboard road.
• In your glasses, add a skewer with at least 3 olives or, for Iggy's favorite, two olives with a pickled cocktail onion in the middle.
• Pour the martinis. Repeat at own risk.

"Well, that am some rite good city-boy White Lightnin'," Pappy notes, "But a natural-born human bein' man gots to eat too. Write 'er up, boy."

You will find these smoked hams, ones that can store without refrigeration until sliced, in country markets and gourmet shops (they do exist!) throughout the South.  Yankees and other unfortunates can order them and when prepared properly, as the chef at Edwards shows us in the video, the results are dramatic and delicious.

Our chef does not consider how to soak the ham. Doing this loses much of the salt but keeps in the smoky flavor. It may still be too salty if you slice it thickly, so practice thin-slicing on some lesser meats, then proceed.

Here's my advice for this year for getting yonder ham ready:

• After scrubbing any mold from the ham and rinsing, store it in a cooler. Cover with water and close.
• For at least two days, but no more than three, change the water twice daily. Flip the ham over when you do.
• For the last turning, add 2 liters of Doctor Pepper to the water. This is the Pappy Enoch way, y'all.  Then you are ready to follow this gent's advice:

Pappy: "Whee Hoo! Let's eat!"
Iggy: "What he said. Where are the olives?"


The only ham I've had that I prefer to real country ham is Jamon Iberico de Bellota, and that costs $30 per pound, if it can even be found in the US. Jamon Serrano is close, and vies for my love of ham, but I digress. Must be that Martini!

Boxing Day Update: the ham was astounding, the best in years despite overcooking to 165 degrees. Several pounds have been hoovered up by hungry Southerners. Note to self--new meat thermometer, then recheck near end of cooking time with my digital one.

Get Thee to Spivey's Corner, NC: Hollerin' Contest

Location: Hoarse from Hollerin'

Just in case you find yo'self in the Tarheel State next month.

Occasional "In a Strange Land correspondent" Pappy Enoch, expert on all things backwoods, says "git on down, y'all. Hoo whee! Here am the site on the tubes that am the Internet."

I wish I could go, but I'm sure Pappy will provide a full review someplace or another.

And you damn Yankees think we Southerners make this stuff up. Hah. And hoo-whee.

A Conspiracy Theory I Like

image: the lovely Olivia Hotshot ponders

Thank you, Pappy Enoch, for sharing this comment from The Alphaville Herald's story on the Royal Screwing of educators by Linden Lab. Comment by Bubblesort Triskaidekaphobia, who obviously knows how screwed "customer service" can be if you must grapple with the bureaucracy of a university or try to push a reform through a faculty meeting.

I have a crazy conspiracy theory about this:

Linden Labs knows it’s going bankrupt. In fact, it knew it was going bankrupt back in 2007. Back then somebody looked at the books and said “we’re going out of business somewhere in Q2 of 2011 and there is nothing we can do to fix it.”

So Linden Labs just wants to go bankrupt quietly, without getting sued by well funded legal departments like large corporations and educational institutions tend to have, so they needed to get rid of them.

First they drove out the corporations using horrible customer service. They hoped this would send the academics running for the hills as well, but they underestimated the lousy customer service experience that is the modern educational system. Academics give each other worse customer service than Linden Labs gives it’s customers, so that didn’t work at all (seriously, you ever talk to a bursar or financial aid department, or god forbid, a professor? They’re all sadists!).

Then they tried targeting the academics by killing the academic SL wiki and booting Woodbury over dirty politics while continuing to increase pressure with horrible customer service while claiming the JIRA and knowledge base are being “upgraded” periodically. That got at least half of them out, but academics are a tenacious lot.

Then SL took out the big guns. They decided to kill the teen grid, which should kill at least some of the academics, right? That didn’t get rid of enough of them. They still have some large schools with scary legal departments in SL, and they need to leave quick before SL files chapter 11.

In desperation, LL decided to double the price of academic sims in 3 months. Now they’ll be rid of almost all of them, they hope. Now they can go bankrupt in peace.

Want a shirt? Drop me a line in world and it's all yours! Get 'em and hack it into OpenSim! Hell, ask me and Iggy Strangeland will send you one to your grid of choice.

Show your Linden Love. They sure showed it to us.

Fake Money Crisis Averted!

Location: State of Relief

I'm pleased to report that my former employee, now SLebrity, Pappy Enoch, has stepped into the teeth of the financial storm.

Pappy's First Bank of Enoch Holler will provide the level of trust and security we've all come to expect from Enoch.

The Linden Dollar will never be the same again. Read more at the Alphaville Herald.

Second Life's Cheap Motels?

Location: Login Screen

It would be handy for builders to have a rent-by-the-hour location, in order to avoid the public sandboxes, long havens for griefers.

But I'm not certain that is what Linden Lab intended when, upon logging on, SLers see an advisory to click to learn about "renting by the hour" from Leia Lulu.

This does send a curious message to new SLers, and it's one I'm not sure educators will appreciate.

I don't mind Ms. Lulu's entrepreneurship here. It's a brilliant way to make cash, but the fact that Linden Lab put it on the login screen means two things: she paid them a lot of cash and the Lindens really don't care much about changing their negative reputation with non-social SL users.

Or am I missing something here?

I do have another idea, closer to home, as well for this offer. I just evicted all virtual hillbillies from my mainland parcel, abandoning it rather than selling, given the sagging sales of mainland property. I then, for next to nothing, bought a smaller 512 sq. M one (no Tier!) for rezzing vehicles. Pap's living in the cab of his truck there, for now, and he notes that "leastways this-here roof ain't a-leakin' on my sufferin' woebegone head."

When the next avatar arrives with a love-child in her arms, maybe Pappy can rent himself a flophouse from Lulu for the ever-expanding Enoch clan. "She gots a hillbilly name, Wiggly," Pappy told me over a new jug of Old Painless. "I reckons she will take pity on a po' boy like me. Say, what do she look like?"